Interview with the Jakob

This interview was conducted in the last hours of September 16 2024. It was preceded by a long conversation on where revolutionary energy comes from and goes.

Who are you?

I don’t know… Just some dude.

You’re famously an excellent interviewer! How does it feel being an interviewee today?

Pretty nice… uhh… okay.

What is your mother’s maiden name?

Derosa! It’s also my fourth middle name - I mean third middle name.

How many middle names do you have?

I have three. And one last name. My full name is Jakob Nicholas Manuel Derosa Braga. But that’s actually not true because I traded Joyce her last name for my middle names and last name.

Is that a Portuguese thing? I mean having three middle names, not trading names.

No. My sister wanted me to have the middle name Nicholas. Well, my sister wanted to name me Nicholas and my parents didn’t want to say no to her so they made it my first middle name. My actual middle name is my second middle name. My mom didn’t want to leave her name behind, so she gave it to me as a third middle name.

I reflect on the week that has passed thus far, and then I write what I can remember from said week. Lately I’ve been trying to inspire people to submit more to the newsletter by offering rewards of my personal labour and services, but it’s been ineffective.

There isn’t much entrepreneurial spirit.

Exactly. I just need more interesting rewards I think to get people revved up about the newsletter for the week.

Do you have ideas for those?

I don’t right now. I’m hoping people will provide them. I can sit and think about ideas, you know, but I should be asking the people.

Like, God knows what Rose wants.

Rikin I’m so tired! I’m so eepy!

I think one day we’ll transfer everything to a website. One day when I have the energy and the courage.

Me and Clara actually came up with a couple design aspects. One of them I really liked… The button for the advice column was supposed to bounce around the screen and be really hard to click on.

It should stay still until you mouse over it, then start moving.

That would be so sick.

Where were you on the evening of June 14 2021?

June 14th 2021… I need to check my calendar…

[discussion recalling the various waves of SARS_CoV-2)

June 14 was… a Monday… I think I was in school. Ahh, hold on a second now, I’m getting some memories… This was a very bad time in my life. I had just started taking my medication, because I was always against taking antidepressants and stuff as a kid. I was like, “oh fuck that,” or some stupid shit. And towards May-ish 2021, I was really just not feeling well. When I get really stressed out sometimes I’ll just survive on grapes alone, like that’s just the only thing I’ll eat. So I was coming off of one of these weeks of only eating grapes.

Weeks? Of literally just grapes?

Um.. sometimes I could get a fruit smoothie down. And I had this medication that I had already, because I’d got it a little while ago, but I was like “I don’t wanna take that.” And then I started taking it, and then I felt like, you know, there was definitely a level of placebo that was immediately like, “Okay, maybe I can actually start caring about my mental health, and hopefully this works out.” And I think that that placebo itself was enough to carry me through the next little bit. I used to suffer from nightly panic attacks, and after around 2 weeks the medication started working a bit, and started mitigating the panic attacks at night, which means that I could sleep a bit, which means that I just felt better in general.

During this summer, I was a bit more free, a bit more open - you know I could kinda do whatever. I was skateboarding a lot. I would drive down to Guelph - there was a big park.

So you’d do tricks and stuff? So not longboarding?

No no, just park. I don’t skate on the streets. I was learning some front tail, I was trying to do [lips?], I got my varial flips, then I lost my varial flips… that was a good summer though. I would frequent the skate park in Guelph - sometimes with my friend Owen, sometimes alone - but we went almost every day. So we met all the locals, and they were all nice. I didn’t like that park though, because I feel like there was an age gap of where me and my friend Owen were. Everyone was like 15, 16 or like 25, so it felt weird. But obviously I talked more with the 25s.

Did the 15, 16 year olds try to talk to you?

I think occasionally, yeah. They were mixed up but there was definitely two distinct groups of people. I knew some of their names from just saying “hey,” but it felt weird. I think they were a little too young, and the other people did feel a little too old. There was definitely a gap.

But anyways yeah, I’d just go there, I’d practice the same tricks because I couldn’t do them, every day.

Do you think you would be a good father?

No, not right now at least. I think sometimes I just need to step away from everything and take a couple days to myself, and I think you kinda lose that privilege when you become a parent. I don’t know what I’d do without recharge time.

How do you think people cope with that? I’m sure that’s true for a lot of people

I look at my parents and I know that, like, they weren’t very nice; They don’t get along with each other but that’s whatever, that’s just a classic parent moment. (For our age, at least - probably every age before us too - hopefully not every age after us.) But I think they were kinda superheroes, man. I was an awful kid, I just had so much anxiety. Like I told my parents when I was like 12 that I wanted to kill myself, and that’s crazy! I owe them so much because they were real, you know? I would have thrown my kid out, personally. I would have gotten a new one. I would say this is the backup. And I think sometimes they didn’t really understand what I was going through or anything like that. And that’s expected, but I really think they tried their best and I think I didn’t give them a lot of credit in the moment.

I don’t think that I could do this for another human being. I think I’m too weak.

Weak in what sense?

I think if my 12 year old kid came up to me and told me that he wanted to kill himself, I would probably say, you know “Go eat a banana and […]” or something, you know?

That’s not the worst response to that that I’ve heard.

That’s fair. But I just don’t know what I would do. I don’t think my parents knew what to do and I think I put them in a lot of stressful situations. But I’d have to step away for a second. And I can’t. So I don’t think I wanna be a parent.

Are you drawing me?

Are you drawing me? Let me see your iPad right now. You’re drawing me without my con- You’re such a rat. Turn around. You’ve lost looking privileges.

Are you drawing me too? Please say no.

She does this all the time! One time she just pulled out her iPad on the bus and started drawing the person in front of us.

One day someone’s gonna look at your screen!

So yeah, I can’t be a parent.

Someone you’ve famously worked with extensively is Rose Cormier. You two are something of a Siskel and Ebert, or Eric B. and Rakim, or Hitler and Mussolini.

Okay.

Or Batman and Robin.

Okay.

So what is it that makes you two such a great pair?

I think me and Rose, having both grown up on the ranch…

I distinctly remember this day, I think we were both probably eightish or something: Uncle Ben brought Old Yeller over to say goodbye for the last time, and we were both so, you know, crushed up about it, you know, we saw him take the dog out back, heard the gunshots, saw the birds fly away, and uhh I think just us having each other in the moment really helped us kinda cope with that detail. I remember we were sitting in our bunk beds afterwards and we had a long conversation, essentially about mortality. Even though it wasn’t obviously at that level at that age. I think both of us coming to terms with death together really helped cope with it, and I think it honestly intertwined us together.

People bond through intense experiences that they can survive with each other.

Yeah.

Considering you grew up in such similar conditions and went through your problems together, where do you think you two diverged?

I don’t think we diverged. I think me and Rose are truly kindred spirits.

Jokes aside, I met Rose at a table with some other new grad students at orientation. She said “Oh my supervisor’s Francis,” and I said, “Oh my supervisor’s Francis. What are the odds of this?” She said, “Yeah I recognized your nametag but didn’t wanna say anything,” and then I said, “Why?,” and I think she didn’t hear me because it was pretty loud and she just didn’t respond. And then it got quiet at the table, and no one knew each other so I asked “What’s everybody in [for]?” and they all just smiled and nodded. And then I said it louder and they answered; It was very uncomfortable. I think that was another experience of shared trauma.

Pretty soon I started talking about Portrait of a Lady on Fire. I just talk about that movie sometimes - I like it a lot. I was telling Shawn, “I have a lot of movies with lesbian sex if [you’re] interested in that sort of thing,” and Rose said “I’m interested in that sort of thing,” and I said, “Well no one asked you.” And I think at that moment we were truly bound to each other. Like a vampire and their… familiar. She’s the vampire in this case, I am nothing more than a thrall.

You’re also en-thrall-ling.

True, true.

She’s also my and Clara’s mother… Just overall a lot of relationships there.

Speaking of relationships, one of the more complicated ones that you have is with Shawn. Can you speak on that?

I hate Shawn. He’s the worst. He would not marry me when I asked, even though it came with a free PR. Then he said he would pay me to marry him… I just wanna give someone a PR because that would make me feel better about doing nothing, in this world of borders. (Not including Clara, because she is an American citizen, and I do not want to be any closer to an American citizen than I am currently.) So yeah, if you know any exchange students, visas running out, anything like that, and they wanna get married, I’d like to get married to them. You’re gonna have to delete this part of the tape.

Um… yeah sure, I’ll do that.

I also just think it’ll be cool to have a wedding. I wanna get married and have a small wedding, just throw a party.

Have you heard about the Roseel wedding?

I have heard about the Roseel wedding. I’m devastated that it didn’t happen, I’d love for it to happen again. I’d love to see everybody getting uncomfortable.

I think you could propose to Seel… well never mind, I guess he doesn’t need a PR/citizenship.

I am not interested.

I just thought of that because-

Was it a racist thing?

No, no, it’s because he would be amenable to getting married.

Okay. Seel seems like kind of a slut though. I feel like that would be too easy. So maybe not Seel.

That’s true. He’s kinda ran through. So you want someone with a low body count?

Not so much body count, maybe low “Potential Marriage Count.” I actually think the more body count, the better.

No one talks about potential marriage count on those podcasts.

Exactly. And I think that is a mistake.

I’m a big fan of The Whatever Podcast. I used to tune in regularly for a couple minutes at a time and it just never disappointed. Every time I tuned in, it was either, “What’s your body count?” or the host talking about how disgraceful OnlyFans is and how no one would want to marry them. I think that’s really cool, that I could tune in at any moment in time and be guaranteed one or two phenomenal conversations. I advocate for The Whatever Podcast. It’s great, it’s really good. They know their audience.

If you could say anything to Clara right now, what would it be?

Stop drawing me.

You have many nicknames. What’s your favourite one?

If I could go back in time to my parents deciding my name in the delivery room, as a 24 year old, (I’m still debating whether I’d do this. I think it would freak them out.) I would say “Don’t give me a name please. I think it would be fun if people just addressed me by whatever.” I think that could just lead to some cool stuff. I mean, you would call me “Michael Cera.”

I would, yeah. I’m sorry. I still see it.

I don’t see it.

I just think it would be cool to have a floating name.

Are there any things you could anticipate people calling you that you would not want to be addressed by?

No.

Does this relate to any other conceptions of your identity?

I wouldn’t say that I have an identity. But I don’t think that this reality bothers me at all. I talk to a lot of people about this - I think it’s tough to say. People in general identify with some aspect of themselves, to put themselves in community with others, but I just feel no need for this. I have no longing to speak to anybody and relate to them.

Not even Tupac?

I think I’d like to have dinner with Tupac, but I don’t think I would wanna to relate to Tupac. He’s kinda a pussy, and he called out Mobb Deep. And he’s really a pussy compared to Mobb Deep. He can eat dirt. Some good songs, but you cannot be disrespecting Mobb Deep like that. Especially when you’re a west coast rapper.

In general, straight people often identify with their gender, and I’m definitely straight and a man, and this isn’t really something I think about. I don’t live in a world where I have to at all; This is a point of privilege. I think that’s the main reason why I don’t have to think about my identity at all - Because I’m never put in a box by it. As a white straight man I fit in the default box.

Like I said, I don’t feel the need to connect with anybody in a community because I just am the majority, or at least the ruling class, or whatever.

You don’t need to define yourself in opposition to anything.

Right. Therefore I float.

I was also talking to Clara about this recently, and it’s about this general… fascism and counterculture and “LGBTQ indoctrinating our children” type stuff. Of where these people do still identify as men, and straight and white, and it’s so interesting how it drives…

One of my good old friends had the shittiest boyfriend in the world. He was fuckin, actually genuinely the worst person I know. I’m not kidding, the worst person I know.

The worst people you meet are always someone’s boyfriend.

That’s so real.

He was the classic white male, he often made the argument, “I’m not homophobic, I just don’t want you to shove it in my face.” But someone who identifies as straight is implicitly putting it in everyone’s face, you know what I mean? If you truly want a “no PDA” type thing then why are you aggressively straight? It’s just the worst people. Jumping through hoops to say that you’re not homophobic, like dude just… just be homophobic. So yeah I don’t identify as anything because I don’t think I need to.

On a sub-level of this too. I talked to Jonathan about this, but there’s generally forming community around subclasses of just who you are, your culture, things like that. Like people who like anime a lot often make it a part of them. I think I just grew up with a lot of friends, in the sense that I never needed to look for any other kind of [?] community, which I think also comes from a place of privilege.

I think I’m gonna go with some kind of almost reactionary single-cell organism, like a phytoplankton in the ocean or something. As soon as you get to the more intelligent animals it just seems like a scary life, in which you don’t have a lot of agency, but you almost have knowledge of the fact that you don’t have agency. So yeah. I think I’ll go with a single-celled phytoplankton, that just floats along in the ocean current, rises to face the sun, sinks when they feel like it. I think there’s something poetic about that. Show me your iPad right now.

Do you think she drew you as a phytoplankton?

I hope so.

You’ve mentioned a couple times now, talking to Jonathan about topics such as philosophy, political economy, history

We also talk about Dennis Rodman.

I would argue that he is part of history and political economy.

He kind of is, yeah.

So, what is Jonathan’s darkest secret?

He’s actually an anarcho-capitalist. He’s trying to infiltrate the left from within and bring it down. He’s trying to set people on the wrong path. I’m serious.

That’s kinda like how Rose is a hotep.

What’s that?

[conversation kinda trails off]

How does basketball make you feel?

Alive. Sometimes you’re out on the court with the boys, just doing silly stuff you know? Daytona’s playing in the background, Lil Skies is playing in the background, who’s that fuckin ugly guy… Trippy Redd is playing in the background… and you’re just playin. I don’t care who wins and loses. I’m just tossin at baskets. Tossin complete airballs. But it’s just good vibes. That’s all.

There’s something beautiful about just having a ball, an outdoor court, and a couple sweaty guys all up on you and stuff. It’s real nice.

When will you get a cat?

Hmm… I’m close to breaking. Probably after Clara leaves.

Do you think Clara could be easily replaced by a cat?

Hmmm……….. no. I think the cat and Clara serve different purposes.

That’s a relief.

Our last question is, what would you like to put out to the world?

Free Palestine, Free Tay K.

Sick

I think Zack Fox just had a point with that one. It’s just true.

Free Tay K.

He was just a kid. He didn’t know. School was really hard for him.